:-: The Shatterd Heart :-:

To everyone who reads my blog, I am moving from Livejournal to Blogspot due to some technical difficulties and I would like to thank everyone who took the time to come online to view this blog, I have many great and sad memories here and hope to gain new ones at my new location, till we meet at my new location, jia ne ^^

New Blog: zensdream.blogspot.com

haha I'm in a real good mood today, I managed to download the entire album of Kato Kazuki's "Rough Diamond" album and let me tell you his songs ROCK!! his songs are just awesome and words fail me to try and describe them lol, but besides that my weekend went ok i guess, but was really tired a lot lately, o well back to work, I'll tell you all how the last week of fasting went in my upcoming post till then here is a pic to remember me lol
BLEH!! XD

Well... one of my friends keeps telling me that I should blog something happy for once, so I guess I'm going to try.

Lately everything has been going smoothly lately... and nothing much or bad has happened to me yet which I can say is a good thing. Been trying to write down some lyrics this morning to kill some time before my class started, but the thing is, the singer sang so fast it was hard to keep up :S (it's in Japanese if your wondering and my Japanese is still kinda bad) but either way I'm going to continue with it later.

Well I was falling asleep in class again, puasa can be a real killer when you are really tired, guess that happened to me... was so tired till couldn't stay awake in class... oh well at least its over now...

well so far thats what happened, nothing interesting and I'll be doing more updates to the blog like adding music and videos maybe so keep in touch ^^

Well... Can't sleep again... There has been a lot of things on my mind lately... but the one thing that makes me think even more... is how does it feel to be loved?

You see... the thing is ever since the time I stopped believing in Love... The feeling of it just slowly... disappeared... like there was no trace of it after I stopped believing in it... I actually thought there would be some parts of it still in me... but the thing is... there isn't any trace of it at all... like love has completely abandoned me...

I know this is coming from a person who is use to dating and having quite a few relationship... but... I just can't feel it anymore... and I really miss the feeling... like everyday... I'd call my girl and whisper through the phone "I Love You..." with such a loving voice... If I go out with my girl I would always hug her before saying "Hello" and may kiss her cheek while I'm at it... and if she is sick I would sit by her bed and make sure she is feeling better before I head on home... or maybe... take her out for dinner for our anniversary and tell her what a wonderful person she is... and how much she means to me...

But now... I cant seem to feel that feeling which I had so long ago... when I was really committed to looking for "True Love"... and now I believe it is just a myth.. and there is no such thing as "True Love" anymore... Oh well... Cant fight the facts now can we?

Well... time for something that isn't so sad... Kato Kazuki just released his new album "Instinctive Love" and the moment I found out I immediately downloaded it and it was totally worth it lol.

The album came with 2 amazing songs and their instrumental version, which are;
01 - Instinctive Love
02 - Melody
03 - Instinctive Love (instrumental)
04 - Melody (instrumental)

currently trying to write down the lyrics for Melody, Instinctive Love is to fast for me to keep up and decided to come to that later, planning to use the song Melody for my next performance, hope it goes well this time. ^^

Well... haven't been able to sleep again... don't know why... but I think a lot is on my mind at this time... well... thats what my lecturer said after yawning a lot in class yesterday, but maybe she is right... a lot has been on my mind recently... like... the HMC Ball... Hari Raya... the songs I'm trying to sing... and... well... a lot of things... plus this lack of sleep made me kinda moody... really need more sleep... just can't seem to figure out whats wrong with me...

I decided... I'm going to give up on relationships... I don't want to be hurt... don't want to give pressure towards my girlfriend... don't want to cause inconvenience to her... don't want... to end up breaking each others heart... this has really crossed my mind before... but now... it is getting worse... everyday i wake up thinking it is going to be a good day... but... then... I feel the sense of loneliness which I felt when I wasn't near a person I hold close to my heart... I have joy which I cannot share with a person I love... or even... just stay with a person and love her with all my heart... but no matter who I am with... there is always something there that will make us grow further apart... and end up ending the relationship before it fully develops... now I am wondering... am I really destined to be with a person I love? I am not sure of anything anymore... I wish... there was truly someone who could take me out of the dark corner of my heart...

Well... my heart feels empty... i know this is suppose to be common but the thing is... i feel much lonelier then i ever was... i may have my friends and family... but the thing is... there is a hole in my heart... like something has burnt through it... i meditate to figure out the cause of this... but i figured out that my heart is confused cause i haven't found the one that was like her... maybe thats the point... i search for girls who i feel were like her... in every way... cute... funny... intelligent... and... simply wonderful... maybe thats why i always feel... alone... and... unhappy... i think i should give up... before my condition gets bad... so... i think i should stop believing in love...

Lately I can't sleep at night... I don't know why... There are now a lot of things on my mind...

The HMC Ball... We still need a few more people for my table and if my cousin (not giving any names) pulls out I'll be in deeper shit then I am now... Just hope he can finally confirm... Or not we can just sell his seats to some other couple or single people...

The its puasa (or fasting month)... it leaves my body very drained and I tend to get really tired really quickly... I guess that happens when you don't eat the entire day... man I can't wait till its over...

The there is the case of relationship... you see my friend (not giving any names) likes this girl... but that girl likes someone else... and the guy happens to be a class mate of mine... but the thing is... i wish i can help him... but I'm not sure what i can do to help... and apparently... because of this matter... it makes me think about my own relationship and dating probs... because no matter what... i cant stay in a relationship for more then 5 - 6 month... i don't know why... and now my heart is confused... and cannot decided which road should i take... i guess that happens nowadays doesn't it? even to those who are good around the opposite sex...

Well... thats all that's on my mind at the moment... just hope the pressure on my heart stops... it really hurts...

Well... The HMC Ball is coming soon... And so are my auditions to preform for it too... well I am pretty excited actually... But... I'm more depressed about the HMC Ball tickets... You see we use to have 9/10 people for the table... But then this week we only have 5/10 people due to that 2 of them can't confirm that they are coming... One of them managed to get a date and is moivng table with him... And the other one decided to sit with her other friends cause she sort of forgot that before the term ended last term that we all promised to go together... Been really depressed and struggling to find substitu for the missing 5... Hope my cousin would be able to make it... and anyone who is reading this and intressted to come the tickets are RM99 and we need to pay it by next week friday... till then people...

Well... So far my holiday has been great... Nothing much has happened on the first few weeks but as later on in my holiday I started to have a lot of fun!! Went out with friends, managed to do some drawings, and just hang out... better then just sitting down in front of the PC and playing games all day right? Well I cant wait till the new term starts... Just hope my exam results are good... after all that studying at night which makes me unable to sleep already... o well... what can you do right? Just hope my other friends are enjoying my holiday as much as I am ^^

Well... I did it again... then blog for a month... I can't believe I did that again!! XD guess I'm still not use to it :p well anyway the term is almost ending... Can't wait actually... I still cant believe they expected us to cramp all those information in our head which is suppose to take more time to do... oh well... It is almost over... can finally relax during the holiday... haha till then ciao

Well... it's almost the end of my first week of college and it is going really well... I managed to balance my time for my studies and my relationships... but I'm really glad this new term started... was getting really bored on the holiday... there were many new faces when I cam back... was very surprise to see so many... but its cool... new faces means new friends right? But I'm really glad that I am back... and the first thing that happend was that Douglas came up to me and said "Hey, you want to come and sing with me and friday for this ice breaking thing?" was really surprised though but I accepted his offer... hopefully this would get my stage fright away XD so watch out people... Yin and Yang, featuring Zufar will rock your world!! (hopefully :P) so this is it for today... hope you guys are glad I'm back!!

It's been awhile since I last posted to this blog, been to busy i guess ( Playing World of Warcraft XD ) well my college holiday still has a long way to go but I can't wait to get back to studying (I know what you all are thinking... I'm LAZY!!) but yea I serious cant wait to see all my friends again =P but i really cant wait to see whats in store for me in the new term...

Been having troubles sleeping again... dont know why... but i keep waking up in the middle of the night... i dont know what the cause of it yet though... but im always thinking... i dont know why... but even in my sleep... im thinking... always thinking how to make my life alot better... how to know if i found the "one"... but im not really sure... im just... feeling... cold...

Well... like the subject says... im feeling lonely... for the past 2 month thats all i have been feeling... my X-games Coach was looking at me last week and asked "Why do you always look sad when i see you? Is something bothering you" i didnt answer him though... i always feel this way... but dont know why... i dont want to feel this way anymore... but yet... i want to be with someone that will love me... love is something which i have not felt for years... but i hope to find it some day... i made many mistakes in the past and i know how to make up for them in the future...

Well... college so far is great... met alot of new friends and such. but thats no the point, tomorrow is Newbies Night, its when new or old students gather to get to know each other better and suprisingly i was asked to preform again, im happy and afraid at the same time, just hope everything goes well tomorrow, well... guess that's it for today... till then ciao

well... i finally confessed to her... but she didnt except me... i mean its cool right? atleats were still friends... on a side story... i was asked to preform for the Newbies Night this friday, im actually more confident then i was before, hope everything goes well, well other than that nothing much happend... just me lay back on my chair and typing entries to my blog... life couldnt be better i guess... but never mind... well... thats all i have to say... till next time readers... ciao

I must be losing myself... I can't seem to do it... Can't seem to confess to her... But I know I shouldn't give up... Every time I look at her or her photos... I almost feel like crying... I want to be with her so much... but i'm just to affraid that she will reject me... i just... its just... Why does love have to be so god damn difficult!!! If I write about it, why cant i saw it?!? god im so pathetic... I cant even say "I Love You" to a girl I really love... I just dont know why... But I'm going to have to say it sooner or later right? But why am I still affraid... I've gone out with tones of girls... but yet I cant say "I Love You" to her... I'm so God Damn Pathetic...

I just dont understand... how hard is it to say "I Love You" to the one you care the most? I mean some people got it and some people dont right? well I dont... it was so easy form me before... but why is it so difficult now? I just dont know anymore... I really need help on this... i mean last month I almost confessed to the girl I like... but then... suddenly I panicked... and i friendship almost ended... I just dont know what to do... I dont know how other people do it... I'm just affraid... affriad she wont except my feelings... I dont want my feelings to be broken... no after... I lost her... I just want her to know that my feelings to her are real... even if it means... if it means that I cant be with her in the end... I just want her to know that I Love Her... If she is reading my blog... but im not sure she doesnt... I just want to let you know... i have fallen in love with you... and I wont let you go... and u have a special place in my heart... and I hope you will except my feelings... I Love You...